COLUMN: Snow Balls

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. Harry is a resident of Logan and an alumnus of Utah State University. He can be reached via email at hacaines@gmail.com. His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees. 

<em>“Whatever you do in life, surround yourself with smart people who will argue with you.”</em>

—John Wooden

There are so many things to talk about of relevance. If I had a daily column, it might take a month before I ran out of current events to opine over.

I need a break from the insanity of politics and the inhospitality of Cache Valley weather. As such, allow me to write a few targeted thoughts roaming in my brain about some current sports stories that pique my interest.

— In a previous column not that far in the past I bemoaned the current state of the Utah State Aggies football team. In that column, I stated I would withhold judgment on the basketball team. My verdict is in.

They suck.

With their loss to New Mexico on Tuesday night the Aggies currently hold a record of 8-11 on the year, with an embarrassing 2-6 record in the not-so-mighty Mountain West Conference. They are a 2nd tier team in a 3rd tier conference.

They can’t score. I love my Aggies, but watching them try to attack the basket reminds me of a nature show on the mating rituals of pandas.

Apologists will tell me this a young team rebuilding. Rebuilding from what? The “Stew Era”? Yeah, because beating up on Big West teams and being persona non grata in March was really awesome.

These Aggies are young. But my observations of this team tells me these guys are not going to be able to win much more when they mature. It is time for someone to type the words.

Coach Tim Duryea should be let go. He cannot recruit or win at this level, which ain’t that tough.

Because so many members of the Cache Valley media are more close to doe-eyed cheerleaders than truthful commentators, no one will call for Duryea’s head. I just did.

Fire this guy; then, figure out what Gonzaga does to win and emulate that blueprint move by move.

— I never had a problem with the New England Patriots. Yeah, I know, they cheated. But when it comes to game time, their 11 are just better than the other team’s 11. And they are not sore winners. They just go out and beat you.

With that stated, I am rooting for the Atlanta Falcons to win the Super Bowl. I am doing this to prove a theory I have discussed in this space before. I expect to see a proliferation of Utahns wearing Atlanta Falcons gear if they win the Super Bowl.

In the 13 years I have lived in Cache Valley, I have not seen one person wear Falcons gear. But since Utahns have notoriously low self-esteem, I predict that will change.

You see, when a sports team becomes very good Utahns will embrace that team. Somehow, a Utahn believes that by wearing a shirt emblazoned with the logo of a champion, that it somehow makes them a champion in life. Wrong!

This theory will receive the ultimate test with the Atlanta Falcons. No one roots for the Falcons. People in Atlanta don’t even root for them! Atlanta is unquestionably the worst sports city in America.

There is a smattering of Atlanta Braves fans still out there in Cache Valley…huddled in dark basements, waiting for their team to rise from the ashes of ineptitude, hoping that by some miracle another dynasty (that only wins one World Series) is forthcoming, futilely turning on TBS because they refuse to accept that the “Superstation” no longer carries their games. Don’t be fooled. Braves fans are out there, praying…someday….someday!

The Falcons? Not one fan. But when you see some doofus wearing a Falcons shirt around town in the immediate future, you will know it came out of a FedEx box just hours before.

Another thing:

If the Falcons win, will Ridgeline High School here in Cache Valley change its name from the RiverHawks to the RiverFalcons? Will their colors go from blue and green to red and black?

— The Oakland Raiders plan to move to Las Vegas in 2018. Their first home game will make it into the Guinness Book of Records for being the largest halfway house on the planet. Remember, not everyone with a neck tattoo is a Raiders fan, but all Raiders fans have neck tattoos.

— Rudy Ruettiger, the guy turned into a demigod in the film “Rudy”, is now a Mormon.

Played in the film by Sean Astin, aka “The Fat Hobbit”, Rudy’s story showed that with grit and determination a short white guy can get mop up time for Notre Dame’s football team when they run up the score on Georgia Tech.

So, if this guy is the embodiment of Notre Dame mythos—and now he is going to root for BYU—all I need to do is find out he voted for the current President of the United States for me to believe he is the living personification of evil.

Congrats to the Mormon Church on this net gain from the Catholics. One down, 1.2 billion to go.

— FIFA, the most corrupt legislative body in existence, voted to expand the field for the World Cup to 48 teams starting in 2026. Dumb.

They will break off into 16 pools of three teams. The top two teams from each pool advances to the knockout rounds. In this formula, you could advance with a loss and a tie. Two lackluster games would not immediately eliminate your chances of being champion.

Expanding playoffs is never about giving underdogs a shot at winning. It is about money. And no sporting hierarchy more willingly prostitutes their integrity for money more fervently than FIFA.

—Finally, a Super Bowl prediction.

New England Patriots 37, Atlanta Falcons 33.

This will cause many who dislike the Patriots to feel consternation. The upside is no Falcons fans will be upset, because there are none.

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