COLUMN: A Very Special Christmas List

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees.

<em>“The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.”</em>

—George Carlin

Here’s the thing. This really is not a column. I just kicked around the idea of making a group of random lists about Christmas and my editor was all for it. So the title of this column is a misnomer. Anyway, I am going to share some lists with you related to this festive time of year. I openly solicit my dozens of readers to argue my rankings; or, offer some of your own.

<strong>THE BEST TV-FILM PERFORMANCES OF EBENEZER SCROOGE</strong>

– Alastair Sim. 1951 film entitled “Scrooge.” The standard by which all Scrooges must meet.

– Patrick Stewart. 1999 television movie. “Poke it, sir. Poke it!” Say that line in your best Patrick Stewart voice and you know why he makes the list.

– George C. Scott. 1984 television movie. He really did not need to act. They just dressed him up in clothes from the 1840’s and let him yell at everyone.

<strong>THE BEST RELIGIOUS CHRISTMAS SONGS EVER</strong>

<em>- Adeste Fideles</em> (O Come, All Ye Faithful) by Bing Crosby. Bing Crosby IS Christmas. This version features him singing the first verse in Latin and then in English. Beautiful.

– <em>The Little Drummer Boy</em> by the Harry Simeone Chorale. Some people think this version of the song is a little too Children of the Corn-ish. For those people, try the Bob Seger version.

– <em>The Hallelujah Chorus</em> from Handel’s “Messiah” by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. It’s the religious equivalent to “Eye of the Tiger”.

<strong>THE BEST SECULAR CHRISTMAS SONGS EVER</strong>

– <em>Silver Bells</em> by Bing Crosby. I grew up in a big city; so this song is very sentimental to me.

– <em>Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas</em> by Judy Garland. Along with Air Supply’s “Greatest Hits” album, this song from the movie “Meet Me In St. Louis” has been responsible for thousands of suicides. Hide the cutlery and just enjoy Judy’s haunting voice.

– <em>The Twelve Days of Christmas</em> by just about anybody. Arguably the most covered and parodied Christmas song. Few under the age of 35 know who the Mackenzie Brothers are—look up their version of the song and you will know why no one can ever take Canada seriously.

– <em>Blue Christmas</em> by Elvis Presley. Don’t mess with The King!

<strong>THE ABSOLUTE WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL TIME</strong>

– <em>Christmas Wrapping</em> by The Waitresses. The most annoying, pretentious song ever recorded. Some boring girl “raps” about her mundane life around Christmas time. The song feels like it is 27 minutes long and no one can understand what she is saying or why we should care. Soft hits radio stations like to play this song for reasons that defy even Christopher Nolan film fans.

– <em>Wonderful Christmastime</em> by Paul McCartney. This song sucks so bad, even Paul McCartney has asked radio stations to stop playing it. Rumor has it that this song is played in a continuous loop at Gitmo as a means to torture imprisoned jihadists. And do know what really makes this song dangerous to civilized societies? When you hear it playing at the mall, you end up humming it for the next 4 hours. It’s maddening!

– <em>I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus</em> by anyone stupid enough to record it. Did you ever think about the lyrics? Some young kid sees his/her mother cheating on their father! That has to be traumatic for a child! And why is he dressed as Santa in the first place? The kids are asleep. You can put the gifts under the tree wearing your pajamas if you wanted. Is Daddy a method actor? Does Mommy have some weird Santa Claus fetish like the bartender in the movie “Bad Santa”? Creep Factor 10 for this song.

<strong>THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER DO AT CHRISTMAS TIME</strong>

– Steal Baby Jesus from Nativity displays. Take away the always-hilarious irony of forcing people to nail Baby Jesus into the Manger and what you have is a whole bunch of wrong. If anyone wants to remember the true meaning of Christmas by showing off a Nativity scene, we should all show them respect and leave Baby Jesus as is. And stop complaining about cities displaying Nativity scenes as an infringement of church-state laws. It’s Christmas! These are the reasons why atheists get a bad reputation.

– Drinking eggnog without liquor. Like an unloaded gun, virgin eggnog is only potent if you throw a gallon of it at someone’s head. If motor oil had a milky, off-white color, it would be virgin eggnog.

– Watching “A Christmas Story” 372 times. I refuse to accept this as a great holiday movie. The film is kinda mean. I find no pleasure in it. When people talk about it like it is some kind of cult, I walk away in disgust.

– Watching YouTube videos of Black Friday rioters. I compare this to watching professional wrestling—highly entertaining, but bad for your mortal soul. Nothing shows you the level of trashy people that proliferate through the American landscape more than watching these angry mobs kick the crap out of each other in all-encompassing quest to get a TV at 60% off. Peace on Earth. Good Will Towards Man. But if you do not let me get to that last XBox One, I am going to punch you in the face!

– Bankrupting yourself. If anyone you love really would be angry at you for not buying them a gift for Christmas, dump them like a bad habit. Your bills do not go away in January. I would rather someone offer to buy me a beer or take me to lunch then to spend $50 on a gift that I didn’t ask for—even if I did like what was given to me. It is Christmas. Just be nicer to everyone you see. Help someone who needs help. Be happy.

Agree? Disagree? What say you?

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