COLUMN: May the random thoughts be with you

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees.

<em>“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”</em>

—Woody Allen

When I consider any April to be one of the worst months of my life, it sets an ominous tone for the upcoming summer. I usually love April, but the one that just left us can go to Hades and burn forever. May is now here; and with it some pontifications about stories making the news.

* It would be easy to write an entire column on the idiotic and ignorant statements made by Cliven Bundy and Donald Sterling. But my question is, why the outrage? Bundy does not recognize the legitimacy of the United States government, was an outspoken defender of states’ rights and used verbiage common for men who lived in an age when minorities still had to fight for equal treatment. He belongs to a church that for half his life taught him to believe that black skin was a curse from God. He has a racist view of the world? Duh!

And Sterling? For three decades he was the owner of a sports franchise that was the textbook model of ineptitude and bad management. And while they lost year after year, he was busy making sure that minorities would not live in his homes and apartments. Yet this fiend somehow was granted two NAACP awards. The second one was rescinded. That’ll show him!

Sterling and Bundy have very little in common except being too old to change their unfortunate world view and too rich to want to change for the better. And for anyone to be shocked or disheartened by their comments, well, you were not paying attention.

* It appears that the GOP will run a fairly impressive slate of candidates in major races to be held in the midterm elections this November. In many primaries that are coming up this spring-summer, the Tea Party-Libertarian lunatic fringe are behind in the polls. After six years of the worst president this country has ever had, the voters understand that political pragmatism is better than losing on steadfast principles. But it is early yet.

* It has been a while since I have indulged in BYU bashing. Let’s rectify that now. On Wednesday, BYU announced that its football team, aka The Brand, would play in the inaugural Miami Beach Bowl the week before Christmas.

What?! BYU, the team whose fans believe is on par with Alabama and Notre Dame in notoriety will play in a 3rd tier bowl against a team from the AAC—which has to fight to be the 6th best football conference and consists of schools that are an academic joke—in a baseball park sometime around December 18th.

But yet Zoobs still believe because they are a lackey for ESPN that they are somehow big time. BYU is filler. And to agree to play in a football game 2,500 miles away from home against an opponent that brings nothing to your purported prestige simply as a means to ensure you have a bowl game speaks volumes about how minute BYU knows they are in the college football world.

* With information about the upcoming 7th installment of the “Star Wars” saga pouring out of my Twitter feed, it should be noted that many fans of the series have created May 4th as a holiday for the genre. Look for the pun in May 4th. It’s there.

While I am curious to see the film when it is released in two years, I must once again note that Star Wars is a cow that has been milked to an nth degree. Outside of the first two movies, which were released in 1977 and 1980, the films in the series have been tepidly average at best. The re-releases were nothing more than a money grab. And the fact that Star Wars creator George Lucas continuously changes the canon to suit his bizarre whims—and by that I mean his avarice—and you have an event that has been nearly always a let down for the better part of four decades. The animated TV show “Star Wars: The Clones Wars” is pretty awesome. But that is an anomaly.

And really, how bad are Han, Luke and Leia gonna look now that they are old? Does botox exist in the Star Wars universe? Can the Force remove double chins?

* On the heels of last week’s column it will be very interesting to see how Cache Valley reacts to the new Natural Grocers store that has opened. Organic foods and more healthy choices are not a staple for many residents. I plan to walk down there and give it a look in the next few days. We all need to eat better. I hope this place succeeds.

* I did something yesterday that was a huge part of my life just five years ago. Now, it is a novelty. I logged into Yahoo Messenger. The instant message chat device was on nearly all the time when I would use the Internet. I have 17 contacts on my list and I do not recognize 7 of them. I also tried to log into my Myspace account. I do not remember my password.

This eventually will happen with Facebook. I think it already has. Obsolescence is a predominant factor in the world we live in. Everything gets old…but now it gets older faster.

* And finally, a recent column in the Deseret News—which I refer to as the Herald-Journal South—asks the bloodcurdling question, “What happened to the wave of Mormon Movies?”

My answer: They died a justifiably hideous death.

“Mormon movies” holds an indissoluble spot on the Mount Rushmore of Mormon Shame. Kurt Hale should be brought on stage at the next Oscars and tried for crimes against humanity. (SIDE NOTE: If you got that joke without having to look up Kurt Hale, you are either a part of the problem or a masochistic film critic in Utah)

Most distinct of these awful films are the (so-called) comedies.

In the early 2000’s, Mormon comedies were a biblical plague upon the good senses of people who consider laughter an essential part of human happiness. And because of that, I need to say something that should have been shouted loudly many years ago.

Mormons ain’t funny.

It’s true! Mormons can be great neighbors. They can be the most patriotic Americans. They can produce inspirational music. They are really good basketball players….so long as you don’t count playing defense as a criterion for being good. And one or two of them can cook–not as good as an Italian but I am in Utah, so I take what I can get. All of these they are, but they are not funny.

Did you ever stub your little toe against an oak table? That is funnier than a Mormon movie. “Two and a Half Men” is funnier than a Mormon prone to anecdotal musings. I have heard Mormon comedians and comedy troupes. They make me angry.

I do not wish to demean, insult or incite. This is not bomb throwing. It’s an intervention. Please, stop trying to be funny. Leave “bringing the funny” to people who have a pedigree and a lifetime of experience at that wonderful art. Like me.

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